onlyyellowevery: bottle weaning

Well I have decided i am going to try again to stop cutting.
and as a part of the healing process i am going to write about my addiction and what it is doing to myself and the people whom i love and love me back... Im not to sure yet but ill probly have to make it in parts .. It might be pretty long . .you know me i always end up writing alot ..
Well .. Where to start?
well my addcition ... Cutting .�Most people think that people cut for attention .. But the truth is not everyone does here is the reasons i believe people cut
1)attention
2)to take away the pain
3) to see if they can still feel
4)they want to die .

now my addiction i would say im a 2 and a 3... You see most people wouldnt understand why you would cause pain to take away pain.
its kind of hard to explain its not physical pain . I feel .its emotional .. Its like why would u fall in love ..only to get your heart broken . You know the consiquences yet .you still do it .
3. To see if i can still feel . Sometimes i get to the poin of feeling so numb .. Or just not carin i want to kno if i can still feel anything at all so i cut to see if i can . Most times when i cut i dont feel anything at all . Wich leads to cutting between 30-90 times in a row ..
i have stopped before but apperently i am not strong enought to not cut anymore..
i think of my addiciton much like any other suck as weed,drinkin crack . Or anyother .
see when i as a cutter do not cut its all i think about all day.
sometimes causing me to get more depressed. Sometimes will even do anything i can to cut..
telling lies like i need to use the washroom just so i can go into the washroom to cut..
sometimes if there is nothing around to cut with it will result in breaking things such as mirrors,cds, anything i can use to make a sharp edge.i kno it might sound pretty fucked up to most people who dont understand .. But to me it something i have done for so long that its how i have learned to deal ..
deal with anger,hurt,life, any situation .
most people just thing that cutters need help and true most of us do .. But we need to want the help to get the help .
and right now i am william to take the help .i want to stop

well i already see i am going to need to make a part two maybe another day..